Today is May 13, 2011. (Friday the 13th). I don’t know why I feel such a strong desire to write today but decided to go with it.
I have so many thoughts and emotions and I am not sure what to do with them. I know I need to think less and feel more. So its almost 2 years since Mike has been gone and I had been doing really well with "moving on" and being "strong" but I’m finding that being strong in dealing with my grief over losing him is taking so much energy, therefore leaving me weak in other areas.
I began dating and even had a steady boyfriend for about 4 months. I won’t get into the details of that right now. I remember when I first lost Mike, I felt so lost and wanting so bad to call him and ask him what I should do, and getting so angry at him for not being there when I felt like I needed him most. Then I remember thinking I will never be in another relationship ever again for so many reasons. Initially it was because I felt like I would be cheating, then it was because I never wanted to go through "this" again, and then I was worried what people would say or think.
One evening after making a "normal" dinner, I realized there was no one to eat it (my son is too young and picky of an eater to appreciate the proportions and style of dinners I make) it dawned on me that I do want to have someone in my life in that capacity. I want to be a wife and a nurturer like I had been for years.
So there I am out in the dating world, and my oh my!! I had always appreciated the fact that I had found someone so wonderful that I was so compatible with in Mike. We were so good together, but I appreciated it so much more now that I was back out there. I've met so many interesting and strange people, but in my desperate need to be a wife again I may have let my guard down to easy or to soon and have believed in people I probably shouldn’t have. This is where the weakness comes in. I was using so much of my energy putting on this facade of being strong, tough and resilient when it wasn’t really necessary, that it made me weak in areas I couldn’t afford to be.
One night as I laid in bed crying and shouting to Mike "why would you do this to me, why did you leave me here to deal with this" I realized I had done it to myself. I was trying to get back what I once had, and it wasn’t so much that I loved being married, but I loved being married to MIKE, and no one else will ever be Mike therefore I will never have that same relationship with anyone ever again, and maybe I was premature in my decision to date and fall in love and all the good stuff that comes along with that.
So I am still so unsure of whether or not I should be dating and if I should continue I just dont know.
Again I dont know why I felt the need to write this but I did so there it is!!!
